Current mood:	distressed
Current music:	oddly enough, the theme music from, "superman returns"
Entry tags:	mania

i am losing whatever's left of my damn mind.
it's just taken me hours (two? three?) to read nine pages of text (for what it's worth, 8 1/2" by 12", medium wide margins, somewhere between single and double space). history. i couldn't conjure up a single date, if asked to. i don't believe i've retained any of it - ok, maybe one thing: jan hus came from bohemia. who's jan hus? I HAVE ONLY THE FAINTEST WISP OF AN IDEA (i'll look it up myself, thanks). if i recall even that, tomorrow, i'll be nonplussed.

i used to read five hundred pages a day, amidst my other duties, such as they were (and they were more than they are, today), with, y'know, at least, like, 80% retention! /self pity

well, maybe a little more self pity: i no longer have beauty (ahem), youth, hope, idealism, or health (and i was crazy THEN!). what the fuck?! i look at books i read at the age of twelve (i'm thinking, specifically, of, "the chronicles of thomas covenant, etc., etc."; read it. i dare you. to pick a word off the top of my head [and that i can remember, from my last attempt at reading it, a few months back], i might, POSSIBLY have known the word, "lanceolate", but i'm not even certain i know it, now!)(again, i'll look it up. at least my parents' apathy has left me with that useful habit.). I READ SIX WHOLE BOOKS FULL OF WORDS LIKE LANCEOLATE, AND WORSE, AND I SEEM TO RECALL UNDERSTANDING THEM. SIX BOOKS! i must've been getting something out of there, and, yet, on my latest trial, i couldn't reread the first novel, for having to reach for the dictionary, constantly. i am deadly serious, here - motherfuckers get money just through lazy internet chain letters (and NON internet chain letters), sometimes for the sole reason that THEY GOT THEMSELVES INTO THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH OF CREDIT CARD DEBT, BECAUSE (no lie) THEY JUST REALLY REALLY LOVE PRADA, and PEOPLE SEND THEM MONEY! THEY PAY OFF THEIR DEBT (only to get into more, no doubt. who wouldn't?)! THEY DON'T EVEN SHOW SALACIOUS PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES (or ANY photos, if i recall aright, which, y'know, begs the question, if i'm remembering the correct way to use that phrase, which i have doubts about)! i've run out of ways to show emphasis, here, people, and i apologise for the shouting, but, again, to quote, "cookie puss", "yo - serious". ONE GUY JUST FUCKING ASKED! THAT'S IT! he was, like, "um, why don't people send me money, online?", and they did! SO...

i'm asking people (again, totally seriously - tell your friends) to send me money so i can get a complete neurological work up. that's (more) reasonable (than those other entirely unreasonable requests), right? i'm sick! i can't afford an mri. i'm even afraid of 'em (tragic accident; don't ask. yes, truthfully.), and i still want one! i need to see a neurologist, man! won't you help? probably, for the cost of just a starbucks coffee drink - pretty definitely, really - a day, you can help me find out why i was a genius, in fifth grade, and have, somehow, become functionally retarded. if you really want to send me money - and i really want you to (remember, tell your friends [and family, and church... especially your church, have you one... or other religious or charitable institution... whoever! people on the street! make cans with holes for coins on 'em. use that picture of me passed out in the bar on my myspace page.) - i'll give you my address to send it to, and a name to put on the check, 'cause (fer realz) i'm too stupid, legally (yes, it's true), to have my own bank account. won't you look into your hearts, wallets, couch cushions, (man?) purses, fanny packs, those little round plastic things that you push the sides of, to open this slit filled with change, maybe bills, occasionally... ANYTHING THAT COULD CONCEIVABLY CONTAIN MONEY (though, really, i'd prefer bills; there's a reason they exist [in lieu of bills, i will gladly and courteously, {aside from this message, which some might find gauche} even gratefully - did i spell that right? - accept stocks, bonds, securities of all types, those things you get at bar mitzvahs... did you know i had to pay for my own bar mitzvah, and i didn't even want it?! it wasn't even catered kosher-ly! i thank my sister for, hand to god, stealing the money i would have made, and lost, from it, to buy drugs. again, i'm not kidding, here... can an ellipsis be used in this way, legally? the point being, paper money of all kinds, like letters of credit. you know what? i just realised those things are called bonds. do you not see this occurring before your very eyes?!]) and give generously? i'll use the money to go to the doctor, i swear. i'll sign contracts to that end (though, again, legally, they wouldn't be binding, 'cause i'm too stupid to handle my own money... it's a nice gesture, though).

i have consistently forgotten what days it is, multiple times a day, for weeks.

hunh. even the spell checker doesn't recognise lanceolate (or mitzvah, the anti semites!) which leads me to:

ANY COMPUTER WHIZZES WORK FREE? MY COMPUTER WILL JUST NOT WORK CORRECTLY. money accepted for this, too, and it's a lot cheaper (especially if they work for free). i'd offer trade/barter, but i have no useful skills (legally).